“Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed, and rare.” ~Brene Brown
If you’ve grown up in a household with abuse, addiction, or other dysfunctional patterns, then it becomes hard to imagine what relationships look like without some aspect of built-in blame, passive aggression, gas lighting, or numbing out. The idea of those experiences being RARE may even feel far-fetched.
If that’s you, remember you’re not alone. So many of us have been through tough childhoods, but there are just as many of us who communicate in loving, open, easy ways as the norm.💕
If you’re used to relationships being fraught with sabotage and drama, you might even end up projecting those things into a healthy relationship, because you’ve never sustained anything different. And you may not see that you’re doing it, byt then you wonder why all of your relationships are drama, or end the same way.
Relationships include friendships, co-worker relationships￼, family-ships, and even how you relate with strangers. If you look around your life at these relationships and noticed that there’s always some kind of drama happening... then remember that the change begins with you.￼
Even while choosing healthy relationships on the outside, learn day by day to heal your communication and expectations from the inside. Get comfortable on the inside with the idea of relationships that do not include being shamed, bombarded, or constantly hurt. ￼As you develop these internal values, the relationships you become involved in will teach you even more.￼
In your day-to-day relationships, the work is subtle but important. You may need to learn how to:
🌺 Safely share what you truly feel **in the moment** rather than stuffing it, or lying to yourself because you don’t think your feelings are worth the hassle
🌺 Be the real you, rather than the walking template of who/what you think others expect you to be in the relationship
🌺 Name it out loud when you feel that you are being blamed, disrespected, betrayed, or ignored, even if your ego says things like you “deserve it,” or “they didn’t mean it.”
🌺 Feel safe keeping your own private thoughts and owning their worth, rather than needing to share everything, all the time as a form of validation.
🌺 Respecting your own personal boundaries, as well as others’. We’re not just talking #metoo, but boundaries around the simplest things. Yes is yes, no is no, maybe is No.
Part of what makes relationships is actual relating between people, so keeping both your deepest desires and perceived slights to yourself￼￼ does not allow for friendships or partnerships to grow. And yes, sharing is a vulnerable thing at times, but when you’re met safely, it feels great.
If the above “stuff” is hard for you, you can also:
😊 Post images on your fridge of someone who communicates in a way you respect and admire. The fridge people become a part of your new healing template for communication rather than abusive parents or partners. Like “what would Oprah/Jesus/Buddha do?” This will help you reflect on how you want to approach your life until you learn to safely ask “What would *I* do?” 💗￼￼